Shit happens!

So, we were ready. Or so we thought we were ready. We read everything we could. We mentally prepared for it. We’ve handled babies, even taken care of babies, lots of babies, in our lives, but nothing, i repeat, nothing, can ever prepare you for the real thing. It’s beautiful, it’s amazing. It is very dirty. The parents out there know exactly what I’m talking about. The want to be parents will only find out. The hard way, because you will never be ready! So, I knew we’d get puked on. I knew we’d get shat on, pissed on and whatever else can possibly come out of a baby. But I thought it would be a nice and progressive thing. Like this week we get shat on and get used to it. Then next week its puke and we get used it. And so on. But no. This is not how it goes, or how it went for us at least.

Within the first three freaking days I got puked on, pooped on and peed on. I had my little adorable boy, piss on me while he slept on my chest. I felt this cool sensation running on my side and woke up. It took seconds for me to realise he had somehow pissed out of his diaper and onto my chest. I had no idea they could contain so much pee! I got puked on me several times and shit on my hands while changing his diaper. The “getting used to it” bit is for all these things. You get very, very used to it. It becomes such a normal thing; you don’t even flinch anymore. The “learning bit” is about your little bundle of joy and who they are as an individual. It’s as if nature made sure to get all the dirty stuff out of the way, so that you can concentrate on getting to know your child, to better understand them without being disturbed by the dirty stuff. The learning will never end. For you as a parent or eventually a grandparent, it never ends. And it’s a very beautiful journey for all involved, especially if you can find entertainment in the dirty stuff and the stories that come with them. I am so used to the dirty stuff, here are a few of the craziest stories, all in the first two months.

I once got puked on three times in one bloody hour. We were driving home the one day and he freaked out a little, and when he finally got the booby, he ate so quick, it just didn’t go down very well. It definitely came up and out very well. On me! Isabelle was busy working so couldn’t help clean me up, so I cleaned him and just kept on walking around the room, covered in puke, as if it never even happened. That was an interesting day. Three times in one hour, on top of the other two times he already puked on me and I got my hands covered in shit several times in the very same day. What a day that was!

I’ve even caught his shit with my bare hand! Yes, my bare hand. I thought he was done pooping and started to change his diaper. And of course, while he lay there with no diaper on, he had a big and very powerful shit! What they don’t tell you is that a baby is a bit like a high-pressure hose just waiting to release its pressure from inside. This works with the mouth and the other end. Their shit will come flying out and probably fly at least two meters across a room if not contained. And when they puke, it does the same. As if they know it’s not nice to have puke or shit on yourself and so make sure it’s not on them, but on everything else. Father, mother, floor, bed covers, everything. Just somehow not on the baby! Luckily, they wear diapers. So yes, while he lay there with no diaper on, I heard him have a little fart and I knew, I just knew, as parents do, that what was coming had to be contained, or the floor would be covered in shit, across a two-meter stretch of floor in the direction his bum was facing. So, what did I do? Me being the loving and caring father of an amazing little bundle of high-pressured joy, I had no time, I put my bare hand in the projectile shits way and stopped it from going further than my shit covered hand!

I’ve had poop sliding down into my bum crack. Yup you read that right. Into my bum crack. When he woke up the one night for a feed and then needed to be walked a little to fall asleep again, he proceeded to have a large puke, which went rolling down my back and into my crack. Poor Isabelle got woken up with the following words “turn the light on and wash my ass” to which she responded “what?”, of course, being half asleep she didn’t think she heard it right, I said “you heard me, he just puked down my back and into my crack! Please turn on the light and help.” The help came, but only after she almost peed herself laughing. What a sentence to get woken up with, “turn the light on and wash my ass!”!!!

The fun will continue and the stories will keep on coming. The journey is very beautiful. A miracle of nature. One that will shit, puke and pee on you, while smiling and looking straight into your eyes.